April 1, 1932
Here it is so late and I am up sitting with my coat on in my bed, my nerves at the edge. Pinchos Libinker it is breaking me, everything, Reno, my loneliness, my longing and yearning for you and my Layelle.
I can’t go on, I need someone here with me, I am too much alone. I am going crazy, I might do something horrible. I don’t know, I am not responsible.
You do not realize what I am going through, or you would do something, you would send up someone, chaelle (sp), Leon, anyone.
Oh God, why must I suffer so. Pinchos dearest, my only, it is no use. We want to make the grade, not with $103 in the bank, without a friend in the whole world. Pinchos at least let us die together, are you strong enough to do it? I am. Please dearest help me somehow, I am desperate, I want to die. I am tired of suffering, I want to rest. Pinchos my Pinchos, I have no strength, my head is empty, burning, my cough chokes me, I am trembling all over, and no one near me, everyone asleep upstairs.
I, who have been afraid to sleep alone in my own room, have to sleep alone in five rooms. At this condition it is no wonder that it breaks me. I feel that after all it will be death that will end my suffering.
I’m afraid that when I’ll be away with you, my heart will yearn for Layelle, and that shall make me unhappy. And we cannot afford to take Layelle with us, your uncle would hardly give you a position if he knew the whole thing. And I cannot and do not want to live without you, so what end can I expect except Death? It would be easier to die with you, if you would wish to. Of course, if you should still see something in life for yourself, you should not join me, I would not want that of you. I will face it myself, eight aspirins will do the trick, and then everything will be over.
What I have done to suffer so much I do not know. But I guess it has to be so, or it would not. It is only 15 minutes to two, what shall I do this long night. Sleep is out of the question, I can’t read either, and yet how can I keep from thinking? How? What shall I do with myself? Why do I torture you so, soul of my soul, heart of my heart. Why? What have you done to deserve this?
Darling Pinchos, calm yourself, it is 3 o’clock now. I do not cough anymore and my trembling stopped. I am going to read now as I am not sleepy and perhaps I shall be able to get interested and calm myself. Please beloved, do not worry yourself. I shall try and calm myself, since there is no one else to do it.
When I think of me here alone, going mad, of the stories people are inventing about us, my name in every common being’s conversation, I want to laugh and cry at the same time, but I do not do either. I am afraid, for then I will think myself mad. Oh my Pinchos why do I love you so much. Why have I come into your life to make you unhappy.
Just look dearest of souls, I have always loved to see people happy. Tried to do what I could for people, wished everyone good within my heart and yet all I do is make people unhappy. Look what I am doing to you at this moment, tearing your heart, your soul. Oh Libinker, forgive me, forgive me.
Oh my daring boy, it is 4:30 am and the storm is over. I have read for the last hour and a half and it helped me. Now please Libinker forget this horrible night and just remember that I am calm and even smiling. Forgive your Bibi who is just a confusion of moods, forgive her dearest Boy, for she loves you, and now I shall try and get a little sleep.
I just woke up, feeling a little tired from the night, but much better, much calmer. Do not let this letter upset you, you must expect these breakouts, in this critical condition that I am. You my dearest Boy would be no stronger.
I do not know what I shall do today. Well anyway it is noon already, and the morning is gone. How glad I am when a few hours pass. It is my thought watching the calendar, scratching out day after day, I have the feeling that I am serving a term in jail, for the crime that I want to set myself free, that I want to better my standard of living. And you know dearest that the Law, the people, revolt against such a one. They believe that one must wait until life frees him.
Do you, dearest soul, believe that I will stand the test? Or will I break down like the majority do? Can you stand the test? What do you honestly think of our condition now? Be frank, no illusions. Why are we parted when I need you most?
Why do I ask “whys” when I know the answers. I am tired of myself. I would gladly fall asleep if I did not have you to think of, you to love.
I shall dress now and have something to eat, and then I shall go and see the attorney and mail the letter.
I wrote you that I have signed the papers, and that the attorney keeps them here.
The lady that I found her ring has not come, I have not heard from her. I doubt if I will, you see dear, people get used to the thought that when a favor is done to them it is natural, they deserve it.
You do not mention about getting money from Mrs. Bergman. Has someone in my family gone to her and discouraged her? Have you asked, and she refused? Or do you not expect to ask her, why the change of mind? Do not keep anything from me Libinker, remember it is much harder to travel in the dark.
Good bye dearest Pinchos, please look upon this letter as a natural expected mood, and do forgive me for making it so hard for you. If I did not write all this down last night I would have not been able to calm myself. I thought of not sending this letter, but since I promised not to conceal anything from you, I shall mail it.
Goodbye and God bless you. Remember one thing above all, that I love you.
Eternally your B.B.
Regards to everyone.