April 13, 1932 Wed. 8:30 pm
Again this terrible mood caused by longing and solitude has come over me. I have cried but not enough – and my heart is heavy. Oh Dearest soul – please do not think me weak – I cannot help it. I feel it breaking me in pieces. I try and tell myself that in only one week I shall see you and also that it will not be long – and I shall have you always near me. I am worrying about you – and about Layelle – my heart yearns for both of you. Oh God do help me
Pinchos libinker how I need you in such moments – moments when everything seems black – when I seem to be drowning — and like in my dream I hear myself calling Pinchos.
I must get myself out of this mood or I shall spend a fearful night.
They are playing a comedy in this neighborhood show – and I shall borrow 15 cents as I have 25, it will leave me enough for the special delivery on Saturday.
This Mr. Klice I told you of him he is from Oakland married 12 years and still writes every day a letter to her – and also receives one from her. He is going too so I shall not be afraid to come back.
How painful how miserable I feel. Oh Beloved one – how I miss you – how everything in me cries for you. Every day is a century – Why am I punished so?
I have tried to read – but this did not help. I simply cannot concentrate long enough to know what I am reading. My nerves are intense – on the edge of breaking – but why do I worry you Beloved one – are you not going through the same feeling? – then why do I torture you with my moods. Ah but who shall I come to with these miserable moods if not to you my friend, my my brother, my soul, my Life.?
Today I have sent you a very foolish letter. I was in a most crazy mood – teasing and light of heart mood. – and I knew that before night I shall fall in into this beastly mood. Do you realize Beloved one – how I feel when this mood overtakes me – I get strong or weak enough to end it all.
Do you Libinker realize how lonely I am here. I who have always been surrounded with people – ever since I have been a child I knew not what it meant to be all alone. I am so afraid of these moods – I get so desperate – but I shall go now to the show – perhaps I shall be able to forget.
I am back now – I have seen “Peach-o-Reno” full of nonsense – all about Reno and divorces – but I do feel a little better – and now dearest Pinchos – I shall try to sleep – I do pray – that I might fall soon asleep.
Bassya continues with the letter the next day, but I will break this up into another post.