July 10, 1930

A word that repeats is “tayrer” which I translate as dearest, I will leave it as is.

This is the last letter from Boyes Springs in California. Note that it is written on the same day as the previous letter.

Boyes Springs
July 10, 1930

Chaver tayrer::

Here I am back in my little room — thinking — It is but five minutes since I have talked to you over the telephone. I had no intention to write to you, this letter, but I must talk to you. I still can hear your voice — oh so sad  — I can feel that you have been thinking again, and this is what I heard through the sadness of your voice “What is my life? where does it lead me? what shall I do? what must I do? Shall I go away? will I be able to be away from her? can I stay here? why doesn’t she see my way? does it pay to give up all my life, my youth — my pleasures for her? does it pay? what does she give up for me? where is her sacrifice? and so on — question after question — your poor heart aches — you feel lost — you do not know what to do.” This is what I got out of the sadness that still rings in my ear, and what shall I say? Oh my Pinchas, I am sorry you met me, but I am not sorry I met you, and I shall never be, no matter what happens. I often think whether you ought to go away — (for your own happiness). I see that your greatest longing just now is to get away far away from everyone, and mostly from me. Yes chaver I see it, and I came to a conclusion that you will not rest until you go away somewheres, and if you do not go — you will feel that you missed something in Life, and it would make me feel terribly unhappy it should happen on account of me. God knows I do not want your sacrifice. All I want is to bring rest to your ever longing soul — to your aching heart, to your troubled mind, but I seem to be a failure. I am sorry. Oh God! how I would want to see you happy. I am happy — but I can’t be completely so — if I have to hear such sadness in your voice. Why can’t you feel like I do? Why don’t you try not to think as I try?

God knows I have plenty to fight in my Life — and the whole fight is within me. Yet I try so hard not to think of it. It would be so much easier for me, if you would try too. Please do, for your own sake, if not for mine.

I am just as miserable as you when I let myself go — when these moods come I try my best to get out of them.

It is now 10 o’clock, and I am still thinking …. Again I want to say that as much as it makes me happy to have you think of me, I want you to think of your own happiness. I want you to be happy. Do whatever you think will give you peace of mind. Do not think of me, for if you will be contended, I will be too.

This will be my last letter my unhappy dreamer. My two weeks vacation are almost over, another two days. I am glad it is over. What have I gained with this vacation? Peace of mind? Have I? No, then what? I have thought night & day for two weeks, what did I gain by all this thinking? I have come to a conclusion. I shall take life as it comes. I see there is no sense in fighting fate. I shall take things easy, at least I’ll try to.

How long will I keep up the Idea of taking things easy? I know myself pretty well. I will not last very long.

Yet I am not sorry that I took the two weeks vacation. Nor am I sorry of anything that happened, because it would not have happened (whatever it may be) if Fate did not want it to happen.

I shall pray for you tonight that you should find peace of mind. Good night my unhappy Dreamer.

B.

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