Reno, Nevada
April 6, 1932
10:30 am

Libinker, Guttinker chaver meiner

Juts received your letter, and you ask how I could get so desperate as to think of Death? Oh tyerinker Pinchos meiner, is it a wonder that I actually do not go mad. When in all my life I have been so all alone? And who would be stronger in my position? With the thought that I am being talked of in such bad taste, my wounded pride does not give me any rest. And do you feel a mother’s heart, that tears with longing for her child? Oh Beloved one, it is a hard trial I am going through, if only I was sure that Layelle would be with us within six months it would be easier to endure the inhumanly longing. And in addition to all this I have got to be apart from you, my Life. Is it then a wonder that I grow desperate at times.

But I am feeling much better today, I try and fight off these unendurable moods as much as possible. And libinker Pinchos, it is not so easy, I cannot concentrate on anything for long, when I read “Beethoven” I had to read a page over and over before I seemed to understand, everything is blurred.

This letter now changes to Yiddish and we will need to wait for a translation to read the rest.

Reno, Nevada
April 13, 1932 Wed. 8:30 pm

Beloved one!

Again this terrible mood caused by longing and solitude has come over me. I have cried but not enough – and my heart is heavy. Oh Dearest soul – please do not think me weak – I cannot help it. I feel it breaking me in pieces. I try and tell myself that in only one week I shall see you and also that it will not be long – and I shall have you always near me. I am worrying about you – and about Layelle – my heart yearns for both of you. Oh God do help me

Pinchos libinker how I need you in such moments – moments when everything seems black – when I seem to be drowning — and like in my dream I hear myself calling Pinchos.

I must get myself out of this mood or I shall spend a fearful night.

They are playing a comedy in this neighborhood show – and I shall borrow 15 cents as I have 25, it will leave me enough for the special delivery on Saturday.

This Mr. Klice I told you of him he is from Oakland married 12 years and still writes every day a letter to her – and also receives one from her. He is going too so I shall not be afraid to come back.

How painful how miserable I feel. Oh Beloved one – how I miss you – how everything in me cries for you. Every day is a century – Why am I punished so?

I have tried to read – but this did not help. I simply cannot concentrate long enough to know what I am reading. My nerves are intense – on the edge of breaking – but why do I worry you Beloved one – are you not going through the same feeling? – then why do I torture you with my moods. Ah but who shall I come to with these miserable moods if not to you my friend, my my brother, my soul, my Life.?

Today I have sent you a very foolish letter. I was in a most crazy mood – teasing and light of heart mood. – and I knew that before night I shall fall in into this beastly mood. Do you realize Beloved one – how I feel when this mood overtakes me – I get strong or weak enough to end it all.

Do you Libinker realize how lonely I am here. I who have always been surrounded with people – ever since I have been a child I knew not what it meant to be all alone. I am so afraid of these moods – I get so desperate – but I shall go now to the show – perhaps I shall be able to forget.

11:00 pm
I am back now – I have seen “Peach-o-Reno” full of nonsense – all about Reno and divorces – but I do feel a little better – and now dearest Pinchos – I shall try to sleep – I do pray – that I might fall soon asleep.

Bassya continues with the letter the next day, but I will break this up into another post.

This letter is attached and mailed at the same time with the letter from yesterday.

April 14, 1932
Thursday 8:45 am

Good morning Beloved one.

I have slept better than I have contemplated. My prayer was answered. I feel much better this morning. My cold is a little better too.

I have no idea what I am going to do today – I think I shall take a book and go down to the park for the all afternoon.

I am waiting for 10:20 so that I may read the letter from you. Your letters – what they mean to me. Do you realize how they cheer? How they caress? How they speak between the lines? They seem to say “Bibi dearest please have patience – it will not be long now – I love you so Bibi – I cannot explain just how much – it is without limit – and I worship you so – oh Bibi mine we shall be so happy” and is it a wonder Beloved one, that I yearn and wait with such impatience for your letters.

Read a little this morning, happened to read the synopsis of “Anna Karenina” felt how much alike I was in her position, when she left her husband and son, rebuked by society, and I felt myself, The Black Sheep of the family, wondered if my end shall be such as Anna Karenina’s? it will be different, even if I should notice that your love has cooled towards me, as Wronsky’s towards “Anna”, for I shall not throw myself under a train, for you have promised to present me with a revolver, and remember beloved one I shall hold you to your promise. You must think mad, to think such thoughts, but I cannot help it, just as you cannot help thinking and fearing that something might happen to our love.

Now Libinker look into yourself, deeply, search, do you not find the fear I am speaking of? The fear that will always be in our hearts, for are we not one. Just as you will see a rival in every interesting man, I shall see in every other woman. For I am no less jealous than you are. And we both are so young and both attract the opposite sex.

We shall have to be very careful not to hurt one another. 24 dear, just when the fruit is ripened, it is Youth in Bloom. Do you wonder that I think these thoughts?

Just received your letter, why such a short one? You Bad Boy depriving me of a hundred words at least, when each word means so much tome. Oh my Beloved Soul, how tired you sound, and how you are full of longing, our moods seem to find their echo in one another. You write Libinker that you could not sleep Monday night, evidently you have felt my pains, for I too have not slept that night. How much better I feel now, if you only knew what your letters really mean to me, and mother’s letter made me feel very good, for then I am sure that Layelle is well and happy and does not miss me.

I realize dearest one that I should not think of spending $15, even though it is for literature, no, we shall need every dollar dear. Mother writes me, but you have no doubt read what she writes, if you didn’t, you should have. You know dearest one, there is nothing we should not read together, no secrets from one another, since we are to be one. She writes that she wants us to take the $100 she is giving us to New York and spend it for pleasure. Where Beloved one shall we get the money for going to N.Y.? Have you any idea yet? And May the 7th is so near. I believe dearest that I should wish to set our wedding day for the 7th of May, with your permission dear Sir. Think of it Dearest, our beginning of a so much dreamed of Life – Love – Friendship. Is it possible? Are we really to realize our dream? God is merciful.

If my letter from yesterday has irritaded you in any way, please forgive me, for it was not meant to.

I have meant to write you a few times and forgot. Please tell mother to give you my “poetry which is in a black binder” in the bookcase in the front room. You know where dearest, near the chesterfield, please explain to her where it is and what it is, and by all means let her give it to you.

I have today also received a very cheerful letter from Don, he is terribly upset that you are not friendly towards him, and do not invite him to your home. He assures me of his love and respect for you, and this I know to be sincere dearest Pinchos, do not cause him any more pain and see him. Such sincere feelings as he has towards us are very rare and we must not abuse them. And libinker do get patient enough to write a letter to our dearest friend Akina, he deserves a prompt answer, and if you postpone it too long, you know the result.

You can write him that May 7th will be the “Holy Day” (remember the sabbath day and keep it holy) shall this not make it doubly Holy.

Just think Beloved Soul, only three weeks from this Saturday, I do not dare even think of it.

Have I written already twelve pages? Am I not good? I have tripled the amount of pages you send me (but it is only because I am woman and cursed with a inheritance of much saying).

But even Woman knows a limit, so good bye my M.P.M.S.M.L. My Pinchos

Your (for better or worse)
Bibi

See this ring it holds for you no less than

My sincere regards to our mothers – our father sister and brother, tell them that I love them all. All but you – for you I worship as my God.

This looks like it is going to be an unusually long letter.
3:30 pm I received the package, thanks Liblinker.

What have I done until now? It is beautiful out, I walked to the University grounds, sat near the lake, took in all the beauty surrounding me, and bathed myself in sunshine. I read on Tosltoy, when he is 46 he wakes up to the fact that one must die, peasant or poet. It shocks him, he believes himself followed by death, no matter what he does, or where he is. He begins to ask himself, then why be born? Why has he put so much energy in his work? What if he is the greatest writer in Russia? Will that save him from the destiny of men, death, he begins to think that life isn’t worthwhile, and decides to commit suicide, but a ray of hope seems to enter in his life. Certainly if he believed in God he would have the rest that all humanity seems to have, for it lives knowing that it must die, and not giving it a thought. And he turns to religion, but soon finds out that there exists hypocrisy, people praying do not mean it, are not sincere, and turns from religion in fear.

Liblinker, Tolstoy the great man sees what we see at 24. He sees that life and death, everything, is just nothingness, and believing that, he decides to live and enjoy the rest of the years left to him as there is no other world, no other life.

I believe Beloved one, that knowing all this gave me strength, to go after happiness, no matter at what cost.

After I read for a while I took a long walk way out of Reno, past the cemetery, walked on, came where the society seems to live, and when I heard someone singing Pagliacci I stood near that beautiful home, and drank in every sound, a few piano selections followed, and I listened hungry. I hoped for more to follow, but evidently these people did not know that Bibi lingered on in hope to listen to hear more. And then I walked back, found the package waiting, and now I can finish the letter knowing that I shall not have anything more to write about.

You ask me Dearest one, I should write to you about those that I meet. Oh dearest Pinchos, I do not meet anyone, I had not been to the Apochinskys, I do not know why, I just do not feel like it, maybe because of these common men there, maybe because they make me feel that I ought to move to them. Maybe because I feel myself at last free, free to follow the instinct of my feelings, not to associate with these that do not interest me, without any “why.” I do hope that fate will not throw me together with people I shall have no interest for, for dearest I want to be free, and not have to force on myself any feeling, which is not natural. I am through playing the part, smiling when I do not feel to, associate with those that are not to my heart. I have thrown down the mask, and do not intend to put it on, I want to be just I.

How do you feel Beloved Soul? Are you working hard? Please be careful with your fingers. Are you going to hear “Menuhin” this Sunday? Please do.

And now I shall say good night to you, and many sweet dreams.

Yours eternally Bibi
Are you tired reading? Forgive.

Reno, Nevada
April 15, 1932
3:30 pm

Hello Libinker

Last night when I sent away the 18 page letter to you, I sat down to study, this time Botany. Acquainted myself with the history of every flower, plant, tree, vegetable. Found it very interesting, of course have studied this before in High School, but then I was not interested. About the time I will leave this detestable Reno, I shall acquire quite a knowledge, for instance did you know that the dahlia, a flower that always attracted me for its color and size, first grew in Mexico? and that it was named after or in the honor of Mr. Dahl, a Swedish botanist? and that carnations have been the most popular flowers two thousand years ago? and etc.

I have also learned that coffee grows on trees, where heretofore I thought its seeds grew in the form of corn wheat, and have also learned that these trees with coffee beans grow in Abyssinia. And have learned of so many plants where their leaves are used in medicines, narcotics. I spent about two hours on it, being that the print is very fine, I thought I had strained my eyes too much, but could not go to sleep so early, so I read Tolstoy, and finally finished this long book. What a restless nature this genius possessed. Especially interesting I found the period of his life, where he is disgusted, utterly disappointed with Religion, he sets forth, and invents a new religion, The Tolstoyen Religion, he interprets the Bible from the original Greek, and interprets the way he sees it, takes what appeals to him as the truth, and leaves the rest out, what he calls lies, fairy tales, etc. But even with his new religion, his own, made to please him, renders him no peace. He spends his life in constant struggle with himself, he always seeks and finds, tires of it, and becomes dissatisfied each time. “Tolstoy” is life, with its philosophy, with its strength and weaknesses.

It is getting late and I must hurry. I want to send this letter special delivery so that I shall be sure you will get it Saturday, I do not want to deprive you of a letter.

I received your 10 page letter. I wish you would always write so much. You sweet dear Boy, you write with so much sorrow because I did not receive your letter Monday, and it seems that you doubt, seems like you think I am just merely telling you that I did not receive it, in order to provoke you. Oh Dearest one, how can you think me so horrible? I did not blame you Beloved one, I knew something must have happened with it.

Libinker, Zisinger Pinchos, where do you find the rule that I must have jewelry? Please dear, understand that I have all I want, and do not worry about such nonsense as jewelry.

But you are right, we won’t get this book now. I cannot help but smile, the way you are assuring me that you will get it for me. Do you realize that you seem to treat me as a child. What do mean you will get me everything and ask me to be patient. Where am I? Am I a cripple? We shall both work and get everything we need – in time. Please Beloved one, forget in that phrase of “I shall get you this and that,” for it is we.

You ask me to understand that it is impossible to get this book, and that I should not get mad. Do you really realize how cheap this makes me feel. Am I marrying you, so that you should buy me things, and when you cannot afford it, you should beg me to forgive you and be patient? Pinchos, dearest, please be careful of such expressions in the future.

I have been to the “Bus Depo,” thinking if I could save three, four dollars by going by Bus. They charge $10 for a round trip ticket, leaves here at eight o’clock in the morning and arrives in S.F. 5 o’clock. Then I went to the station and found out that by train it costs $11.75, leaves 7:30 a.m. and arrives 5:10 p.m., Oakland Ferry. What do you think should I do Libinker? It seems a shame to spend so much money for just one day, when we need every dollar so badly. Maybe Dearest I should not come after all? Then I could get my divorce on Monday and leave Monday night. What do you think Beloved one? Please write and tell me what to do.

If you should decide for me to come you will have to send me $25. It seems such a big amount, please think it over. I could spend the Seders at the rabbi’s place.

I shall have to hurry I have only 15 minutes before the Post closes.

Good bye Dearest one, kiss mother for me and thank her for going to the trouble and sew up the package and send it.

My regards to everybody. I shall write to Charlle (sp) tomorrow.
Good bye Dearest.
Do not worry about me I am feeling fine.

Will write to my mother tomorrow, tell her not to worry.

Your Bibi

Reno, Nevada
April 16, 1932

Liblinker

Nine o’clock I came back from the Dinner Dance. The concert finished at that time, and I did not feel like staying for the dance. Sitting there among all these people I felt lost, and without knowing why, I felt one of these moods come upon me. Maybe because without you I felt more alone in a crowd than when I am myself, for then I have my thoughts. Maybe because the people were so noisy, and not paying any attention to the program. I do not know dearest what it was, it may be because both the public and the artists were unbearable. Women with folded arms with more flesh than needed, sitting there like hens who after they have laid their eggs, saying we are through, we are worked out, we are empty. And men with open faces, that don’t express anything at all. Young couples, who instead of listening, seem to find something to laugh about just when a number is being played, or sung.

I do not know what it was, but I was glad to get home. I undressed, lay on the bed, tried to read (I have gotten today “Dorian Gray by Wilde”) but could not concentrate. I felt this longing for you overcoming me completely. I wept, as never before, my heart seemed to break.

After an hour’s weeping I felt better. I began to read your letters, looking at the clock, wondering, and wishing that I might get a special delivery, but when it passed 11:15 I lost my hopes, and almost made up my mind to go to sleep heavy hearted, when the letter was delivered. Reading it I lightened up, and grew calm. And now Beloved one, Heart of my heart I shall try to go to sleep, for my eyes burn.

Good night Libinker.
Your Bibi
Eternally

This letter continues from the one before written on April 16, 1932. There are a few pages missing in this letter, perhaps we’ll eventually recover them.

April 19, 1932
9:00 am

Good Morning Beloved one

Have not fallen asleep until about three thirty, although I was calm. My nights are so miserable and long, each night and day seems an eternity, and how good it is to feel that soon I shall be free of this unbearable monotony. At times I actually think myself going mad.

I have been reading today, or rather this morning, “The Picture of Dorian Gray,” and the first 40 pages have interested me very much. I like his style of writing, he seems to be so at ease, so natural. I am sure that I shall enjoy it.

And now dearest one what am I going to do the whole day? I do not know, probably what I am doing every day, will be at the park and will read, and maybe in the evening will visit some new church. Maybe I shall have better luck this time, hear some good music.

Do not worry Libinker, I shall not go on my long walks anymore, since it upsets you. There is really nothing to fear, but since you are worried, I promise not to. Am I not obliging?

In tonight’s “special delivery” I shall know what you decided to do. The more I think of this $15 extra money spent, I seem to think that we really have no right to. Why, these $15 will almost get me a wedding dress.

Have you thought dearest one, who will be our rabbi? And please dear, we do not want anyone at the ceremony. [… pages missing…]

Have you seen mother yesterday? How is she feeling? What does she tell about Layelle? Is she well? How do you feel? Do you look well? Write me about everything Libinker.

As I sit and write to you, I hear the kids singing in such perfect harmony, it seems to me that they have organized a chorus. And all the trees surrounding this place, my present home, are in perfect bloom, they are fruit trees. I shall look around, if I can find a flower I’ll send it to you Beloved one. The sky is in deep blue and the white clouds, which take the form of white horses, lions, gracefully floating over the blue make it indeed a beautiful picture. As I look out through the window I seem to see a cloud floating in the form of a rabbit, now it runs into that graceful horse and both become just one mountain of snow.

Somehow I feel that this letter is a terrible bore, and shall therefore end it. One of the boarders just brought in the Examiner so I’ll sit and read it through, and then write my two letters, although I do not feel like writing.

Goodbye Dearest one, and God bless you, and please do not worry.

Your Bibi eternally.

Say hello to everyone, a special regard to my “friend Leon.”

3:30 pm

Libinker

As you see it is three thirty in the afternoon. I have already written a letter to Akiva, and it tired me out. I really did not have the patience to copy, so that you may know what I have written, but I simply used my last bit of patience because I knew you wanted to read it. I promise never to do it again, it is too much for my nerves.

I have also read the Examiner and now shall rest a while, and then go back to the books.
Good bye Libinker

Allow me to mention the fact that I am deeply in love with Pinchos, please tell him so.

Your Bibi

Reno, Nevada
April 27, 1932

Libinker Guttinker Pinchos

I received your sweet letter with the money you sent me. Read it over three four times, and tried to drift off to slumberland with a heart full of Love and Hope, but could not sleep, for I had so much to think of, our future, my trial, and kept awake most of the night.

In the morning my attorney called me up and told me that Sol’s lawyer just called him up and told him that he cannot come, but that he will send out the papers special delivery. And so Libinker the trial will not be able to be until tomorrow. You poor dear must have been so worried the whole day.

I would have sent you a telegram but I wanted to save that money for tomorrow’s telegram.

I am not so terribly disappointed. You see dearest Boy I shall come home on Friday and that makes me feel good, Friday our lucky day.

I could take the Thursday night train and come early Friday morning.

But Libinker I want to have you come and take me home. I want you to meet me at the train so I shall take the morning train Friday and arrive five o’clock. Will you be there Tyerinker? Remember I shall be free, white and over 21. Oh Libinker meiner, how I want to see you, to have you love me. I am so lonesome for you. My Pinchos.

The children make such a terrible noise here, that I am almost deaf. People talk so loud here. Why do people want to speak so loud? I cannot stand it, it seems so vulgar. How do I long for our little place be it one room or two, with its peacefulness. Oh Libinker we have everything one can wish for, Understanding, Love, Youth, a way of sincerity. We’ll build our future of this ground of understanding. I am sure Libinker that we shall have much gladness of Life yet. It shall be happy already, if it shall be only for the reason of having one another, everything will come in time. I am full of Hope.

Have just eaten dinner, the food is delicious, I would not be surprised if I gained a few pounds.

Mrs. Apochinskyis a very sweet woman, she is so young yet, and works so hard, I pity her very much.

The Los Angeles Divorcee is going home tomorrow morning.

About Akiva? I do not know Libinker.

I could not help but laugh at the idea, I should take part in the Sholem Aleichem program, this indeed is very amusing. I am through with the stage Libinker, from now on you and I shall look on, and listen, take everything in. We have done enough, more than our share, from now on we shall have one another and our work to live for. Ten years of social work, ten years of such hard work as we have put in is enough. Now we shall look on as others work, and walk through the years hand in hand.

But remember, you shall have to be careful, I am warning you, I am terribly sensitive. Oh Libinker it will be hard for you. I shall crave every little bit of attention, shall be jealous of your even looking at someone else but me. You poor, poor Boy. You have no idea what is awaiting you, I mean it, but try and get rid of me now. Oh Libinker Zisinker Pinchos, “wie lieb ich hab dich” [how I love you]. Do you believe me? Do you?

And now Tyerinker I shall say good night, and wish you many happy dreams.

I shall have to hurry and mail this letter, it is getting late.

Good-bye Beloved one.

My regards to our family.

And take my love, wrap yourself in it and sleep.

Good night Libinker

Eternally Bibi

How good it was to hear you over the telephone. Have I really spoken with you? You sounded so happy. Good bye dearest Boy.